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 °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°HOW TO BECOME A MAN OF THE CLOTH°°°°°°°°Glenn Gatlin
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    One of few things I admire about organized religion is that, despite
    being completely bogus, it manages to work itself into a figure of
    authority in almost every community.  A man of the cloth commands
    respect.  It is assumed that a man of god is somehow better than the
    rest of us, less likely to be tempted into sin, less likely to lie
    on his taxes, less likely to impregnate your daughter, when we
    really know that they're just a bunch of flaming pedophiles.
    
    The majority of the people aren't yet savy to this, so you can take
    advantage of them by becoming an ordained minister, bishop, or pope.
    Along with your credentials you will get the accompanying tax
    advantages, as well as the legal ability to perform marriages and
    funerals.  There are also airline and hotel "clergy" discounts,
    not to mention the fun you can have starting up your own church fund
    drive.
    
    The Charter Ecumenical Ministries in Los Angeles California will
    make you a reverend in their church for the low, low price of
    $10.00.  Just send them a ten spot and they'll give you the right to
    declare your home a church.
    
    But you say you'd rather be a Bishop?  No problem, for $50.00 the
    Calvery Church of Faith in Rillton, PA will bestow upon you the
    title of Bishop, with the right to be addressed as "Your Grace."
    There are no responsibilities and you don't even have to be a
    christian to qualify.
    
    Although not quite as official, there is the Church of The
    Subgenius.  If you've never heard of them or the Rev. Ivan Stang,
    then you're in for a big surprise.  Send them $10.00 and you'll
    get more information than your brain could possibly process in a
    thousand lifetimes.  Don't look for any tax breaks from this one.
    
    If becoming a Pope still doesn't satisfy your spiritual urge, then
    maybe sainthood is for you.  Traditionally, this is one of the
    hardest ranks to achieve, not only do you have to perform a few
    miracles, but they'd also like you to be dead, that is, everyone
    except the Universal Life Church, who doesn't really give a damn what
    you are if you send them ten bucks: you're a saint.  In return you
    will get "A beautiful parchment certificate with your saintly name
    engraved on it." What a deal!
    
    I snagged most of this info from $TATU$ FOR SALE, a great reference
    book for those of us who need to buy a little prestige.  It covers
    every area of high class you can imagine, and how to manipulate it
    for your own personal benefit.  Among many other things, this book
    will tell you how to get on "The Best Dressed List," legally
    change your name, real and phony college degrees, and how to become
    certified royalty (it really is amazing what you can buy for a
    couple mil!)
    
    
    Handy Address Reference
    
    Charter Ecumenical Ministries 
    3119 Isabel Drive 
    Los Angeles, CA 90065
    
    Calvary Church of Faith 
    P.O. Box 333 
    Rillton, PA 15678
    
    Church of the Subgenius 
    P.O. Box 140306 
    Dallas, TX 75214
    
    Universal Life Church 
    152 Thompson Ave. 
    Mtn. View, CA 94043
    
    Almay and Sons 
    37 Purchase St. Rye, 
    NY, NY  10580                           
    
    $tatu$ For Sale 
    Charter Publications 
    3119 Isabel Drive 
    Los Angeles, CA 90065
                                   -end-
                        Reprinted with permission from:
                        Dogma - The Journal of Disbelief
                        Preliminary Issue - January 1994